Cell Tree

The two got high and were wandering AIMLESSLY

Yes. maybe I should think about what’s upsetting me... Foremost among others, I could not imagine my life like Abbi and Ilana from Broad City. For one, I dun huv besties who would be such a great company to do crazy stuff with. Or should I say... it is me who dumbed those friends way back when I thought I need some serious life (or that I craved approval from work/professionals). And I always thought I would huv lived a fancy work life given my preparation for reality since year 2, but now I know it was not enough (I blinded myself into believing I was the best and slowed down).

I'm not much of a person of talents. Other than the willingness to learn ("greedy" maybe the right word), I have nothing to brag at all. I couldn't even control myself to have motivation (I do huv reasons though) to do almost anything. That translates into: I cannot do a thing literally. I have dreams, but as I put on hold the progress one time after another, I don't see when the dreams are going to be achieved. I'm totally messed up. Back in the days, I talked to my friend Gary and the answers came right at me. He changed my ways to see things, but now... well, let's just say I find it less effective than before. And he doesn't enjoy talking to me at all (he just couldn't help show you how much he wants to hang up and he has no interest in whatsoever you're gonna say)... I'm not a fan to search for whys on this issue, while it definitely feels bad.

I attempted to write scripts for plays which anyone has a right mind should know that this requires network to be able to reach people. My ex happened to be that only window I knew (actors, directors and everything... I mean I couldn't let myself go to my mentors in the drama translation field... this is about getting started and accumlating first-hand practice experiences but not immdiately going pro without earning the entry ticket), and he invited me to work with him, so I did. But yesterday night when he shared with me his recent relationship details, I realised his presence sparks my anxiety thinking about my dark unpleasant history (a low point of life which I was confused about a ton of things) with this guy. To this day, I still suffer (lucily, not emotionally... but I do know I tried to make myself love this guy when deep in my heart I understood I wasn't), while he could go about it without a slight burden of responsibility. Yes, I know how much he has to take care of... but that's not an excuse after all (If I don't care abt myself, who would?). I hate this unfair situation and I hate to keep this information from my boyfriend who I've known for years... almost like I'm lying.