Cell Tree

I may have belonged to this category -- Walking Depression. It's comforting

Where should I start? I’m having a boring life since the day I secured myself this job. One that I see no career opportunity and appreciation from the others, colleagues or boss, as though I’m like an insignificant part of this workplace. Everything I’ve done, though it matters given the small size of the company, is rendered as a group effort but never a contribution of mine. My name is not on it. And the personal relationships? Complicated. Not that I can’t comprehend… or yes, I really can’t. You know me. If I don’t feel like it, I won’t even start to spend a single second to get to the answer even though it is easy enough. The only thing to thank for is probably the increasing understanding of myself these days of which I sincerely hope there’s some indication given to me as to what’s elements in the life today help. Just as I was telling my old friend yesterday after an expected-to-be-shitty show, my life now is at the bottom of THIS society (my philosophy was(?) to win this game and then start a new one with new set of rules), and the one thing makes me feel worth living is me being more able to see the connections between things.

But to be completely fair, to the second reason saying how I dislike the workplace that I currently put myself in, I am not a nice person to start with. I sometimes be like a mirror, reflecting people’s reaction to themselves. Or, well, I should say I cannot help but to take revenge. That way is much precise to many people, if they know my mind, but I don’t see how because I’ve learnt not to share these inner feelings even to the close ones. Back to what I was talking about: I often get theories from my closest friend that I’m being highly demanding – pursuing the norm. So I kept asking myself, even to this day, am I not being a nice enough person at work?

Weirdly, I get a sense of approval when I heard some parents complaining my boss’ ways to communicate with them. I triumphed secretly when I finally get to prove that he was the problem during our meetings. Until then can I finally persuade myself to take the high road thinking ahead of him before he even speaks – problem solved. (You should know before that I’ve spent days and weeks struggling, and a word from my friend, when I consult him on a similar matter, got me into thinking for a while before I accepted it: you two don’t share a language. I shared it with one of my colleagues. Surprisingly, she takes it so much easier than I ever could. No much principles in her… (Can I be less proud for once?!)

As for my family, it’s simple enough to be summarized in two sentences: I no longer have a home, and what I have left is a room that I though should be mine for all these years. Its “ownership”, as it turns out, comes and goes depending on the mood of its true actual owner. And my relationship is nothing reassuring as well. Things seem just fine and nice in the normal days, but it gets me into endless unhealthy "discussions" when problems strike. He and I speak two different languages, both Chinese though. It was all the timing and withholding issues (wasn’t sure when would be appropriate to speak one’s mind) that haunt us. And his friends... the biggest problem between us given their nature I don't approve of. All they ever say in an occasion of gathering are merely but gossip. They weren’t meant to care about you, listen to your problems, or deal with them hand-in-hand. Listeners are not among them, be real. What they seem to listen will at best be used in their favor, like interpreting them as gossips so that there's something handful to be employed when they run out of "topics". They aren’t that close that you have to admit. Even close friends are not always worth to be told what you truly think. More to that, when they gossip, they talk to the ones around you, make sure to keep them updated. No, talking to an irrelevant person sparks no chemistry in that conversation. Besides, it is gossiping not sharing, and everyone knows the fundamental difference.